Convelescence
by Katy Clay
Summary: After Dimitri returns to the Royal Court and refuses Rose's love, Rose must go through the process of moving on and finding happiness without him, but can she?
1. Brown Eyed Girl

It was the day of his release and I couldn't bear to wait another second. I'd seen glimpses of him walking around the Court with Lissa and armed guardians, but every single time I would approach to get a closer look, guardians would hold my back, telling me to keep my distance.

Lissa tried explaining to me that he couldn't be around me because it caused him too much pain, and that I had to be more understanding, but what she didn't understand is the pain it caused me to be apart. It was torture. He couldn't see me and I couldn't be without him. I missed everything about him. I'd gone to hell and back to give us the chance to be together again, and this was my reward. I'd never pegged Dimitri as the emotional one in the relationship. He was being selfish and I had every right to call him on it.

I had snuck in to his cell, only to be dragged away by Mikhail when the guardians came back to check on him. Every single time it was the same: I would declare my love for him, baring my heart and soul, only to be denied and asked to leave in every way possible. It was have become monotonous by now if it didn't hurt so much. Every denial and refusal to see me, speak to me, love me was a shot to the heart. He claimed it was better this way, but I couldn't understand how my life would improve in any way shape or form without him.

I sat on the bench near the Guardian building, craning my head upwards and watching the light break through the leaves of the oak trees. I let my mind wander to what life would be like if Dimitri had never entered my world. I'd be cruising to Lehigh with Lissa right about now. Who knows? Maybe Adrian and I would have even worked out, despite his father's attempts to break us up. My biggest worries would be taking care of Lissa and shrugging off bloodwhore digs directed my way.

That perfect little life all seemed very far away. Once, it had been what I wanted, but now I was a shrine to the only man I couldn't have. The question that banged around my hollow mind ate away at my strength: was he worth it? When I left for Siberia, he'd been absolutely worth it. I'd have given my life for him, but now I felt disconnected from that love that once burned so brightly in my chest. I was tired of being tired and I was sick of being sad. I wished for a life that was now impossible, thanks to destiny and a single man hell-bent on making me miserable, whether he knows it or not.

I didn't want to love Dimitri Belikov anymore. I didn't want to be in love with anyone. I had made up my mind and gave myself to the idea of giving up on him. I'd always been a fighter but this time, I'd had the fight punched out of me. He beat me with denial, smacked me with silence, and kicked me with indifference. I was bruised, bleeding and broken and ready to move on.

Inhaling the scent of grass and coffee wafting from the café across the lawn I pushed myself off the bench and walked away from the guardian building, determined not to look back. I was a fighter, but now I fought for a different cause: myself. I would die for any of my friends, but I had given enough of myself for Dimitri. There would be no more tears cried from this brown eyed girl, and that was worth smiling about.


	2. Exit, Emergency

I realized right about the time that I got to my apartment on the other side of Court just how stupid I looked smiling to myself as I walked by myself. Then again, over half of the people at Court hated me anyways and the rest of them hadn't met me, so I wasn't too worried about looking insane.

As I entered my apartment, I paused. An overwhelming sense of loneliness washed over me, and I acutely remembered why I had spent so many late nights crying myself to a restless sleep filled with the nightmares that had become my reality. I sighed, deflated. I'd never felt so out of place in my own life. I knew that it was a simple solution of calling up Adrian to come hang out, but I didn't want to bother him with my kill-joy attitude. Instead, I attempted to make dinner, started a small fire, and ordered pizza.

For my big adventure for the night, I decided to pick up the pizza and save a few bucks rather than have it delivered. I figured the walk would be good for me, which ended up turning into a run when I realized there was a giant pack of Strigoi chasing after me. Well, in my imagination there was. It was the best way to motivate myself to run faster. I decided to throw in a few flips over park benches and garden walls, taking the most direct route as possible to minimize any chance of running into anyone. For the first time in my life, I avoided people like the plague. In high school I'd been the life of every party no matter who was throwing it, but now, parties sounded like one big claustrophobic performance. I didn't have the patience to be stared at like some zoo animal, and I didn't have the energy to muster the swagger I needed to convince everyone that Rose Hathaway was a-okay. Every time I was in public I felt the eyes on me after my many performances breaking into the guardian buildings to talk to Dimitri. I'd become a spectacle of the Royal Court.

Nearing the pizzeria I took a deep breath to collect myself and wiped the sweat off my face with my t-shirt, hoping I didn't stink already. I mustered a smirk to complete my look and swung the door open, inhaling the scent of tomatoes and burnt dough. I strolled over to the counter to be greeted by Melodi to pay for my pizza, but it was still cooking so I sat and waited for a moment.

I flipped through my phone, checking my email and whatnot, when I heard the door open, but not close. I looked up, and there he was. All six feet and seven inches stood before me, with a brown duster cloaking his shoulders and a distressed look on his face as he stood in the doorway as if he was unsure whether he still wanted to enter the pizzeria upon seeing me . I froze, unsure whether to flee, ignore, or run to him. I wanted to do all of them at once. I saw a mop of blonde hair poke out behind him and my insides boiled. Of course Lissa was with him, they were getting dinner together. Lovely.

I wasn't necessarily mad at Lissa, because I knew she was just trying to help out the 'wounded bird', but the fact that he allowed her and not me to be his emotional crutch was just cruel. I let the anger motivate me to silence. I would not give him or anyone the satisfaction of seeing me hurt, and I sure as hell wouldn't let anyone see me cry. So I sat and was silent. I looked back at my phone and pretended he was just another stranger. He left his post at the door and took a seat as far from me as possible, which was only two tables over since the pizzeria was pretty packed.

In my peripheral vision I watched Lissa glance over at me, as if waiting for me to explode. If anything it made my self-control stronger. I was stronger than they thought and I was about to prove it. I did everything I could to not look at them, but I felt their eyes burning holes from two tables over. I pretended to be deeply engaged in reading an email from Hans then decided to do an in-depth study of the menu. I could feel my foot tapping with impatience. God damn where was my pizza?

"Order number 51! Order number 51!" Melodi called at the counter. I praised Jesus and walked as slowly as I could to get it. I wasn't going to run out of there like I was scared. I took my time gathering my things and left with four holes burned into my back. As soon as I put a bit of distance between the restaurant and myself I began to sprint, pizza box in hand.

As soon as I got home I tossed the pizza on the counter and took a seat on the floor of my kitchen. I just wasn't in the mood for chairs. I had no idea it was going to be this hard. I slammed my fist on the floor, holding back tears. I had made a promise to myself and I was going to keep it. I had been weak for far too long. I had to train myself not to react to him. I bit back the tears, pushed myself up, and went to eat some pizza.

After dinner, I went to my room for bed, but the mirror caught my eye. I stopped for a moment and examined my face. I hadn't looked at a mirror in a while- I'd been too busy wallowing in my own pity party to care about my appearance much. I looked exactly the same as I did back at the academy, maybe a little thinner in the face and slightly bit worse for wear in the scar department, but all in all the same. I stood there for a long time, staring into my deep brown eyes. I wasn't sure what I was looking for there, but I was determined to find it.

There it was. The spark. It was what I'd been missing. I'd been too disconnected by Dimitri drama, which I had let become my drama by default. I guess drama didn't fully encompass the situation I had been in, but it was all I could manage. It was time to officially reignite the spark. It clicked in my head. I wasn't the problem. I wasn't the one fucking everything up for myself. It was Dimitri. Sure, he couldn't help being turned in a battle situation, but I never held his time as a Strigoi against him, though they haunted my nightmares frequently. My insecurity stemmed from Dimitri's unwillingness to commit to our relationship now and even before the attack on the academy. Dimitri was my problem, and I was hell-bent on fixing it.

The thing is I wasn't quite sure how. Now that Dimitri was no longer considered a threat, Lissa would obviously get him reinstated as her guardian using her royal influence and just a touch of compulsion. Which meant that Dimitri and I would be working in the same environment for hours on end. Suddenly something Dimitri had said back at the academy popped into my head, "People can exist around each other without their being any more than that." It had broken my heart at the time, but now it was my escape route, and I intended to throw it right back in his face. I didn't necessarily intend to be openly spiteful and passive aggressive, but I certainly had no plans on being cordial. I was done throwing myself at him like a common bar fly. It was time to take what dignity I had left and try to make something out of it. With that sorted, I decided to hit the gym and work off the extra large cheese pizza I'd managed to put down while lost in my thoughts.


	3. Electric Feel

I could feel the hole in my heart as I circled the dummy. I had already ripped a hole in the punching bag and decided to take my aggression elsewhere. I rubbed my thumb on the smooth, silver surface, feeling the energy of magic flowing through the stake all the way to the deadly tip. Flip, punch, kick, roll, dodge, kick, stake. I had a colorful imagination when it came to my workouts, especially when it came to the dummies. I had arranged ten of the practice dummies in a circle around me and practiced fighting all ten at once, as if I'd been cornered and had to fight my way out or die trying.

I'm sure it was quite the spectacle to watch, especially since I had a thing for battle cries and such. However, I had a change of heart on my training when he walked in. My one sanctuary outside of my apartment was now claimed by the enemy, well, Dimitri. I'd even gone to the Guardian gym on the far side of Court to avoid the stares and murmurs that followed me wherever I went.

He stood by the punching bag in grey sweats and a black t-shirt looking as godly and sex- damn it. There was no way I was checking him out right now! Jesus Christ Rose, get your act together! I realized then that he was staring at me, and that I was staring at him circled by ten practice dummies that were practically in shreds, thanks to my inability to use a wooden practice stake. What can I say? They just didn't have the same feel as a real stake, and it wasn't like I was using a practice stake when it came time to actually fight.

I turned my back and began attacking the dummies even harder this time. I hated to admit it, but I wanted to impress him, whether he was watching or not, and I knew he was. I was acutely aware of his every move in my peripheral vision, but I chastised myself and focused back on the fight. I had a duty to protect Lissa and if I couldn't focus on my training, I'd be in no shape to protect her when it was do-or-die. Which is why I was stunned when someone grabbed my hand mid-punch and flipped me on what should have been my ass, had he not caught my arm.

I froze and looked up at my attacker, locking in on those alluring brown eyes I'd once gotten lost in. Suddenly I was in sensory overload. His smell, just like always, aftershave and coffee, nauseated me. His touch burned like hot coals, singing my arm and sending shivers down my spine. A bit of hair had escaped from his ponytail and fell around his face, just begging for me to tuck them behind his ear. I felt my hand twitch but stopped myself just in time. I wanted to reach up kiss him. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair. I wanted to press my body to his and feel his warmth radiating from his chest.

So naturally, I punched him, pushing him off balance and slammed him on his ass. Without looking to see his reaction I began to walk out of the gym, gathering my cell phone and water bottle. "Rule number one, Roza. Don't hesitate." He called out after me. I paused for a moment at the door, mulling over his words. I knew he was referring to the fact that I had waited a solid minute of being in his arms to react, but instead of attempting to explain, I chose the high road and didn't bother with a retort. He hadn't earned one.

In fact, the only thing he had managed with that little stunt was confuse the hell out of me. He claimed he no longer loved me and just wanted me to forget about him and move on with my life, which I was finally trying to do. Then, he attacks me in the gym and has the nerve to remind me of not only his first words to me as a Strigoi but our times together at the Academy that I had locked away in fear of relapsing back into mourning. It wasn't fair. He couldn't just push me away and then snap me right back. I wasn't a fucking yo-yo.

I stormed over to Lissa's. I wanted an explanation and I wanted to start work again. I was tired of wandering aimlessly around Court. Lissa refused to let me work right after Dimitri recovered, claiming that I was under too much emotional stress to be of any use, but it had been almost a month and I craved to be productive. Even if it meant excessive amounts of time around Dimitri, it was better than hiding in my house forever. It was time to grow a pair and show Liss that I was fine. Easier said than done.

"Rose! What a surprise! Where have you been? Come on in!" I stepped into her new mini-mansion that Queen Hagatha Bitchface gave to Liss upon her arrival at Court. I immediately felt uncomfortable standing in her foyer with a garish crystal chandelier high above my head. I was out of place among all the wealth and excess, preferring my simple, modernly furnished apartment that screamed functional. I knew at some point I'd have gushed at the thought of gold trim, polished marble floors, and high ceilings, but now it seemed gaudy and obscene. It seemed ridiculous that the Guardians laid down their lives to maintain the Moroi's life of jet setting and excess. It was unfair to stereotype all Moroi when it really only applied to the Royals, but then again, how many non-royal Moroi had Guardians?

"Rose? Are you okay?" Lissa interrupted my train of thought and I snapped back to reality. I just smiled and followed her to the kitchen. "Tea?" She asked and I nodded. "Is Earl Grey okay? Or do you want chai?" She furrowed her brow as she dug through her cabinet.

"Whatever you have is fine." It wasn't like this was going to be that long of a talk, I wanted to get out of here as soon as possible in case Dimitri showed up. I'd had enough of running into him around Court. It was time to get a set schedule of being forced to stand across the room from him in complete silence.

"So what's up? What has finally dragged you out of that hidey-hole you call an apartment?" Lissa asked, arching her brow playfully. I grimaced, recalling how Dimitri used to tease me because I couldn't arch my brow no matter how hard I tried.

"I want to start work again. I need to be productive again. I'm going insane just sitting around and thinking all the time. Sitting around doing nothing isn't helping me, it never did." I held my breath as I watched her make tea as she quietly mulled over what I had said.

"Are you sure you're ready? I mean I talked to Hans and Dimitri is going to be reinstated as my Guardian full time, so you're going to be around him a lot, like every day a lot. I mean I'm sure you can talk to Hans to try and get your schedule completely opposite of his, but I mean even if you're not on the same schedule, Dimitri and I have been spending a lot of time together talking and obviously you're my best friend so-"

"Lissa, I wouldn't ask if I didn't think I could handle it. I already knew Dimitri was being reinstated and I already guessed you'd _persuade_ Hans to let him be your other primary Guardian. I'm okay with it. I just want to get back to work." She sighed and frowned, handing me my tea.

"Well it's not like it's my decision anyways, you'll have to talk to Hans. I just think you're rushing yourself here Rose, I really do." I rolled my eyes, letting out an angry huff.

"Okay, Dr. Phil." Lissa rolled her eyes right back. "When I say I'm fine, it means I'm fine! I'm over Dimitri. I'm done with the whole thing. Rose Hathaway does not need a man. I'm tired of chasing his stubborn ass around and looking desperate. I've been in a funk ever since I left for Siberia and it's because of him. I'm done letting him hurt me. I mean only an idiot does the same thing over and over and expects a different result every time. I've been chasing him since we were at the Academy and I'm just tired of the heartache it's caused me." I bit my lip, staring deeply into my tea. I didn't dare look up into those dazzling Jade eyes for fear that they'd see right through the brave words I spoke and know that there was a war waging inside of me and it was far from over.

"I'm happy that you're happy now, but are you sure you should give up on him so quickly? I mean you love him, Rose, and despite everything he says I know he loves you." I glanced up at her in shock, my throat closing up and my breath quickening. He couldn't love me anymore, and even if he did, what good was it if all he did was bottle it up?

"You have no right to tell me that I'm giving up too quickly. I have thrown down my life for that man time after time. I left school and went to Siberia on a hunch over an unsaid promise to each other. I broke into a maximum security Guardian prison and freed the one man I'd ever been scared of because of one silly rumor. I have loved him every minute of every day ever since I met him, don't you dare accuse me of giving up. I have had my heart crushed beyond repair by that man over and over and I'm sorry but I just cannot take it anymore. I gave him everything I possibly could have and you know what I got? I got a year's worth of painful memories and a broken heart. So no, Lissa, I don't think _Guardian Belikov _loves me. I don't think he's capable of loving anyone other than himself." Lissa had begun crying, tears streamed down her porcelain cheeks, smearing her mascara with it. My chest felt tight and hot with fury that dissipated when I heard a cough behind me. I spun around and none other than Dimitri himself stood before me for the second time that day. I really needed to work on my timing.

"I think that's quite enough, Guardian Hathaway. The Princess is obviously upset. I think you should be on your way." I scowled at his ability to be so formal and calm in such a tense situation. I knew he'd heard every word I'd said, it was just my luck, but I didn't regret it. Maybe now he'd think twice about jumping into my training sessions at the gym.

"I was just leaving." I turned and locked eyes with Liss, giving her a disappointed look before turning and leaving without another word, letting my shoulder shove against Dimitri's shoulder as I passed him through the kitchen door.


End file.
